OK... I have a soap box that I am going to get on here for a moment. Please feel free to comment and really let me know how you feel about this. I have been struggling with this for a few weeks.
I have a daughter who is into sports (as you know if you have read this before) Not a big girl, OK she is very slight. Doesn't appear to be an athlete when you look at her but given the chance she is a great player. And she is still learning how to play the game. Whatever it may be. She played basketball last year and when she made the team the coach very quickly told me that she didn't bring much to the team. WOW... I thought that was BOLD! I know she isn't a "strong" player but she gives it her all... Not all the girls do that. She ended the season with a letter and a pin. She also was awarded most improved player. She did great at she learned what she needed to do and did it!
On to softball. She made the team they played in a U16 league! Remember that one? 12 and 13 year old girls. They did great! No championships but they did great. She even caught a few "flyballs" go girl.
Now we are at soccer. Once again she has never played this sport... She is doing what the coach tells her to do and doing a great job during the games keeping the bench warm. OK she goes to a SMALL school. I have been a little concerned about this position that she plays (as a bench warmer!) she is a sub, but they only put her in when they are way ahead or way behind. No time to give her a chance to play and learn to play with the team. Most of the parents on the team feel that the girls need the game time to learn how to play as a team and feel the girls will work together and be a better team next year if they work together as a team. Well... The coach feels that they are there to WIN and that is it. Middle school soccer NOT varsity please remember that! I am having a hard time learning this lesson because I do not like seeing my daughter sit on the bench most every game. And to hear the coach say things that are very discouraging to the team.
Winning is great I will agree with that no one like to lose... As the saying goes show me a good loser and I will show you a loser. However, at what expense do you allow the kids to sit on a bench and not be really part of a team. How are they supposed to learn the game if they aren't given the chance to play. Practice? They don't really play a game in practice, they are not really giving it their all at practice. She is discouraged that girls 2 years younger than her are starting the game and really are not much better than her. As a parent it is very hard to sit back and watch all this go on without saying a word to the coach. OK... I did say something to the coach. We totally disagree! And most of the people that I speak with either parents on the team. The Athletic Director or other staff from school feel that Middle school is a time for them to learn the sport and learn how to play as a team. Seeing how she did in her past 2 sports, basketball (a different coach) and softball (where they all had to be on the field and play) She proved that she was able to play the game and do it well. Is it wrong of me to be upset that the coach will not give her the chance to play and feel like part of the team? She played last week. And played GREAT there were 5 girls that were missing (almost all of the starters!) She did a wonderful job. They played a team that has played together since kindergarten! So, there was not a chance that they would win. I think that she did prove herself to the coach that if given the chance to play in the game she will do a great job.
So, really what are your thoughts on this one? I need a little input on this! I can be very passionate about things and can be too emotional to look rationally at things so please, help me look closer at this one and let me know your thoughts! Thanks...
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9 comments:
Hi Jen,
I'm not a parent, but I am a kid from a family that was very into competition :)
I would say elementary school is the place for everyone to get a chance to play. Once you get to middle school it is more about developing players for the varsity team.
Soccer is a huge thing at Calvary, and last time I knew they had a large Saturday morning program for elementary school age kids. Most kids start soccer very early- middle school is late.
I think it is great to be involved in what you like, but I wouldn't get on the coaches case about her not getting a lot of play time. It is a good lesson that the ratio of work to fun is usually high in most things that are competitive (and life in general). It may just be an issue that this coach hasn't seen her play in elementary school- it may take a couple of seasons for the coach to get to know her. There may be kids on the JV team that played for 5 years in the Saturday program.
I admire my parents for taking the side of almost every coach, and definately every teacher. If I got in trouble at school, I know I would get in trouble with my parents as well. There's a way to develop respect authority!
I also think there is a common trend in decreasing competition. Having sports games with no loser- and therefore no winner. Not giving letter grades, not grading papers in red pen b/c it "hurts kid's self-esteem". Those red marks, loosing the game, sitting on the bench makes getting an A or a positive comment, winning the game or getting to play a much larger honor and makes it worth working for.
Again, the healthy thing about competition is learning how to work to gain success. I put in a huge amount of work raising my sheep, feeding my sheep, training them to a halter, grooming them, and I did it for the love of the competition, getting to go to fairs to see friends, and I did like the sheep.
In my job now- I spend a huge amount of time and get little results. For my PhD I spent a year and a half failing in the lab for 8 hours a day. When it did finally work and I got data- I appreciated the data. You learn to love the process of working.
Is your daughter playing soccer at home? Does she kick the ball around in the evenings after school? Is she running regularly to gain endurance?
When I ski raced in college we spent 4 months doing "dry land practice" before we even saw snow. This involved lots of running, running up and down the foot ball stadium, and other various things that caused much pain. Then we had racing practice. I hated racing practice in elementary school (why I quit) and still hated in college. After taking a run we would ride the chairlift once, and hiked back up once. It was horrible! When I did get to ride up on the chair lift I usually spent the time crying after hearing what the coach had to say and how I was so frustrated that I felt I couldn't do what he was telling me. I did all of this to get to race for about 6 weekends. The first year- I was lousy- but then I improved until my last year I was second on the women's team and one of the leaders. Improvement may take years of work on your own, practice with the team, and some competition. My skiing improved from mainly the stuff I did on my own, dryland practice, running, strength training on my own, practice with the team- the actual competitions did little to improve my skiing.
Well, there is my highly opinionated comments.
Love,
the highly competitive,
Beth
Thanks Beth,
Abby has played soccer every year on Sat. mornings at Calvary she actually played in the Derry league for K and first grade. This is the first year that she isn't playing in the Sat. morning booster program. She is helping with the refereeing of the younger kids. (a great thing to help and learn the game better)
Varsity was cancelled this year due to lack of interest. The girls on Varsity were not dependable, therefore puting all the pressure on middle school. WIN WIN WIN...
The coach does not encourage the girls as they are playing. He is very hurtful in the things that he says to them in fact. He should encourage them. Correct them let them know what they are doing that needs to be corrected, BUT also let them know when they do something good. Just like parenting (or training a dog) You need to also reward when things go well.
The coach has seen her play all of her sports, he picks his favorites and that is that. No questions asked! There are 2 girls on the team are close to the coachs' family, They are not strong players he just doesn't want to hurt their feelings. I don't get that.
He trained a two girls on a key postions. 1 on defense, and 1 in the net. so... when the keeper couldn't play last week, he paniced! Not knowing what to do he put in a girl who didn't know what to do at all. Other than those two he just sends them out, wherever, they run around like chickens with their heads cut off. No one knows where they sould be.
Coaching is not an easy thing. I do understand that. I have always taken the side of the coach or teacher or any person that has authority over my children. I just am a little confused and need more clarification on this. The administration feels that to have a strong Varsity program the players need to be trained at the Middle School level.
Talking to a few coachs, and people I am starting to see and maybe think that this coach isn't really a coach, just a warm body to fill the position.
I have calmed down somewhat since I wrote this a few days ago. I really just need to hear other opinions from other people. So, with that I truley thank you for your input!
And I really didn't know that your family was competitive! Hmm... that is very surprising to me! ;)
OK, as I reread the post I see that I said that she never played this sport. Let me correct myself in saying that she has never been on a real team for soccer. Against other schools or other teams.
YES, she has played soccer, she isn't starting this sport in middle school (unlike the other two that she did start in middle school)
I think that is where my frustation and confusion comes into play!
Well, they lost their game today. We will find out tomorrow if they made championships. The coach seemed to be a little disappointed tonight when I asked him how the game was. (this is the only game that I have missed)He seemed almost regretful. But I am not sure, it could be that he was just tired.
Maybe he is just a lousy coach, and he doesn't have a problem with favoritism. That's amazing that they have no girls varisity team- maybe it is because the varsity girls had problems with him as a coach.
The only time that my parents went against one of my authority figures was when I was playing JV basketball and the coach was harrassing me- my mom pulled me off the team and wrote her a nasty letter. Nasty letter writing is always an option.
I think that it is lousy coaching. I am thankful the season is almost over we will know today.
He isn't going to coach basketball too many parents complained and they asked him not to coach. He was a little too hard on the middle school girls and they felt that he wasn't a good testimony for the school. Too bad that they had to have a hard season to learn that most of the parents saw it during softball. Just not the people who should have seen it. OK, I am done with this whole soccer thing.
We always have next year!
It wasn't a "nasty" letter; it was an "edifying" letter. ;) I actually threw away the FIRST letter I wrote, because I knew MY attitude was a lot more important when it came to raising you, than the problem with the coach.
Jen,
"Mother-bear" will raise her head once in a while [been there...], BUT basically you have two options:
1. Submission to the authority
over you, because you've
agreed to do so by playing
the sport.
2.Don't play the sport.
I know, the problem at Calvary is that sports ARE life. There are few other options. (as I recall, Phil spent mucho time bench-warming in Jr.Hi...) Tim was not a talented player [though he loved to play!]. He did Sat. AM programs with both school & Derry Rec. for years, but when he got to Jr. Hi it was tough. One of the really good things about Pinkerton was all the options they offered. I encouraged Tim to find something he was really GOOD at, and to develop it. He did, and it didn't include school team sports. He still played for fun (all through college, and yes, he did improve!), but he spent more time developing talents he was really strong in and they carried him into a career option that he loves.
i only turned that way because my dreams for the NBA were crushed when I didn't make the school team in 8th grade. did that stop me from having fun playing basketball, no. i still play once inawhile, but it did allow me to invest in other interests.
Thanks competitive family!! :)
My attitude is A LOT better!!!
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